(I started this in the morning and finished it at night...and it's only half of everything I want to get down, but it's better than nothing)
Right now you are playing with your Alice doll - pretending you have a baby in your tummy, pretending she is born, pretending she "has an icky diaper" and - let me quote you directly now as I type...
"Mommy, pretend she threw up in a trash can..." (not sure where that came from).
"pretend she didn't die, pretend she is in my tummy and she is not dying."
"The baby came out. She's not dying! Awwwwww, she climbed up on my head, look at this!"
"You know what kind of baby she is going to be when she grows up? A girl baby!"
"Pretend the baby is still in my tummy..."
I say: "Oh your tummy is so big"
You reply "That's because there are two babies."
"This was the pipe and it connected the baby inside. What should we name her? How about Gwenyth?"
(I told you, Lil, how today was Mia and Madden's first birthday...and how Mia is in heaven and Madden is here, so I guess that is where your "twin" idea came from. The talk about babies in heaven comes up all the time - whether I mention anything to you or not about the subject - it is on your mind every day...you are processing "it all" in your own way I guess...)
I am writing here today to try to tell about ALL the things you do and say, not just the bitter-sweet ones...but as you can see, they are just part of your normal, every-day life.
I love all the things you notice, think about, and say or make up - like "peas on the cob."
I love how you talk about houses that need to be fixed up as we drive around town or tell me which ones are really nice - you have a particularly critical eye. The other day you explained how you didn't care for the decor of the restaurant we were in. At home you explained to me how you didn't want newspaper down on the table but wanted a table cloth (I had it down for dying Easter eggs and I guess you thought it was my new style). You even told me how you want a front porch, a bigger front porch on our house (I must say, I agree).
I love how you asked me why the clouds were raining and kept asking no matter what I answered, so I let you answer. I figured you had something in mind. You explained that their bladder was full. The other night as we listened to the storm and it seemed to be stopping, you volunteered, "I guess its bladder is empty now!"
I'm sad you asked me the other day while sitting on your potty "Mama, when are you going to die?" and believe me, all I want is to be with you here as long as I possibly can - I answered as best I could all the while thinking, please God, let us be together here as long as we can... there's been enough loss, I don't care how great it will be to reunite with the others lost to us...please let me stay, let her stay...
I love how you talk about me having another baby -and I never brought this idea up with you, you volunteered this idea way back in the summer - "Mama, you'll have another baby someday." You've mentioned this idea a lot -it surprises me every time. It is always so sweet. You've named him (yep, you also seemed to think it would be a boy). You told me how you wanted to buy clothes for the baby (while we were getting things for your baby cousins on-the-way).
You asked the other day if another baby I had would not die - you saw me hesitate and then you qualified your question as if to let me know just how much you understand, "I mean if the baby is healthy and not sick," you said.
I love your love of nature. Collecting acorns, sticks, pine cones, anything and everything - of playing in water wherever you can - in puddles, in the Arboretum stream, and in buckets in the backyard. I love how you collect flowers where ever you can - weeds in our lawn or blossoms on the floor of a nursery (how serious you take it too - once you spy one you have to get it, to "save" it, to rescue it). And how you collected one the other day, at the nursery, and told me it was to remember Gwenyth. Then at the check-out you set the flower up on the counter and said, "this one is to remember our baby."
I love how you decided that fairies don't die during our conversation the other day that somehow was about the fact that everything alive dies - I can't remember what you asked that started it all, but you quizzed me on many creatures and then tossed out "do fairies die." I explained if they were real, then yes, they too would die. But you told me that you think think they don't. In fact, anything you come up with in your imaginary world doesn't die and lives forever and ever.
I love how you talk about your little boy and sometimes even your little girl. Your little girl always seems to grow up - but your little boy is always a little boy every time you speak of him. His name is Brighton - "because the sun shines on him" you said. Sometimes you even talk about your pretend daddy and mommy - wish I had written some of that down - my brain leaks and forgets no matter how adorable and hilarious and sweet the things you say are.
I love all your paintings and drawings - you seem to cover every subject. Today however you really surprised me - you drew a man on a cliff. Then next to it was a door, you explained. He went down and then into the door. It struck me. You never drew anything like that before... there seem to be metaphors there. But who knows.
I love how your favorite colors are purple and pink, but the other day it was "Aqua Marine" even as I think you thought it was a pink color (earlier you had pointed to a pink flower and told me it was Aqua Marine and your favorite color). It is Gwen's birthstone so you have absorbed it in your vocabulary in any event - I was quite surprised to hear you speak of it the other day.
I remember way back when how you wanted to drive to heaven to go bring Gwen back, or go visit. Not long ago asked with excitement, as if you came up with an idea we had never thought of - you asked if we could video chat heaven.
I love how you drew a picture of flowers today and said "look the flowers have texture!" I love how you know how to make purple from red and blue paint. You are the daughter of a former Art teacher - that's my girl!
I also love seeing you with your daddy playing Minecraft and building "your world" - even if sometimes I hear you as things like "can we kill a pig and eat it Daddy?" I love seeing you play on the ipad - you know how to use it better than I ever will. I love seeing you play the little-girl version of D & D with your daddy. It is adorable.
I love how you can recite parts of a story from your Ipod, the Cinderella Ballet told with music. You recite the words with the correct tone and intonation and then hum the music parts as well. I love how pretty much everything we read gets acted out at in your pretend play.
I love how you can put so much on your head while playing dress-up and just all the crazy outfits you concoct. You always know just what you want to do with each accessory and are determined to make it work.
I love how you decided you want to be an artist when you grow up - I didn't even know you knew what that was and you don't seem to change your mind. Tonight Daddy asked you if you want to learn how to use the computer so you can play "My World (minecraft) by yourself and you said, "No I want to be an artist when I grow up." Daddy then explained how in the past, artists would copy master works and then go paint their own ideas once they mastered the technique. You replied you like to paint your own ideas and that maybe you could look up about art on the computer.
I love the creativity you show when you play with Legos, magnet blocks, and regular blocks (thanks to the Funks for the magnet blocks, a gift way back when we were in Philly - they have been the top toy - I cannot believe how much she enjoys them). One of my favorites was when you made a Lego rainbow and then picked up a bunch of Legos and dropped them saying it was Lego rain.
I love how you told me your dream today - that you climbed up high into a tree and saw a birds nest. And then, you explained, "a bird
sailed past me and it had a worm in it's mouth."
You think long and deep. I am impressed, often stunned, and sometimes downright lawyered by you!
You are a kid in every way and kids own a special existence - I'm privileged to be able to enjoy you in yours. Privileged (yes challenged sometimes too... sometimes I feel more like a servant... sometimes I find myself tested to the ends of my parenting "skills") but no matter what, I just love you so much!
Here are some conversations I did manage to record...they show just how sweet you are...:
Lil: "I'm soothing you. Because I think your sad"
Mommy: "Why do you think I"m sad?"
Lil: Your sad because Gwyneth is in Heaven. We're all sad. And sometimes we cry and sometimes we don't. And when you cry I sooth you. Do you remember the time we were with them all?"
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One day you said:
"whose little girl is in heaven? (I really had no idea where you were going with this, I thought, oh dear, did she not understand all this time about Gwenyth...) and before I could think further you answered your question kinda with a happy tone, kinda with pride - "
Our little girl is in heaven."
I replied, yes, she is...that's right. I think I may have said I miss her or something. And you said, with a sigh;
"Yea I wish I could show her my toys."
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I wish I could write everything down the moment you say it. But for now, this is a small collection of just a few of the things I love about my little girl, my little Lil.
I'll always laugh in the rain, thanks to you Lil, and have new appreciation for my umbrella.
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I'll never, ever forget the way you looked at me, while at a rest stop, on the way down South, we were driving to Aunt Marie's service, the day after Gwen's service - I was changing your diaper and you looked into my eyes and asked me, completely out of the blue, "
Mama, are we always together?"
All I can say is, that's all I want in the world...is always - to be with you. I love you so much, and my love for you I know, is always, always, forever and ever.
Here's my song for you tonite. You heard this playing several months back - I didn't even know you tuned in. But you were listening and you asked, "mama, what's this song about." I think I tried to distract you or something - I don't recall, I am pretty sure I just didn't want to answer that question that night - as you hadn't yet asked me about this kind of thing, so I didn't want to put ideas in your head...
But it's written by one of my very favorites, sung by another favorite - the only thing is they leave out this line in the cover version, so I'll end with it;
"Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabyes go on and on, they never die, that's how you and I will be."
Lullabye (Goodnight my Angel)
Original Version - which I think I still like best.
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