Lovely Garden and a Little Girl

Lil, yesterday on the way to Rose's birthday party. Couldn't help but do a quick photo shoot!

Always carry your umbrella...and still so many things I want to say

(I started this in the morning and finished it at night...and it's only half of everything I want to get down, but it's better than nothing)

Right now you are playing with your Alice doll - pretending you have a baby in your tummy, pretending she is born, pretending she "has an icky diaper" and - let me quote you directly now as I type...

"Mommy, pretend she threw up in a trash can..." (not sure where that came from).

"pretend she didn't die, pretend she is in my tummy and she is not dying."

"The baby came out. She's not dying! Awwwwww, she climbed up on my head, look at this!"

"You know what kind of baby she is going to be when she grows up? A girl baby!"

"Pretend the baby is still in my tummy..."

I say: "Oh your tummy is so big"

You reply "That's because there are two babies."

"This was the pipe and it connected the baby inside. What should we name her? How about Gwenyth?"

(I told you, Lil, how today was Mia and Madden's first birthday...and how Mia is in heaven and Madden is here, so I guess that is where your "twin" idea came from. The talk about babies in heaven comes up all the time - whether I mention anything to you or not about the subject - it is on your mind every day...you are processing "it all" in your own way I guess...)

I am writing here today to try to tell about ALL the things you do and say, not just the bitter-sweet ones...but as you can see, they are just part of your normal, every-day life.

I love all the things you notice, think about, and say or make up - like "peas on the cob."

I love how you talk about houses that need to be fixed up as we drive around town or tell me which ones are really nice - you have a particularly critical eye. The other day you explained how you didn't care for the decor of the restaurant we were in. At home you explained to me how you didn't want newspaper down on the table but wanted a table cloth (I had it down for dying Easter eggs and I guess you thought it was my new style). You even told me how you want a front porch, a bigger front porch on our house (I must say, I agree).

I love how you asked me why the clouds were raining and kept asking no matter what I answered, so I let you answer. I figured you had something in mind. You explained that their bladder was full. The other night as we listened to the storm and it seemed to be stopping, you volunteered, "I guess its bladder is empty now!"

I'm sad you asked me the other day while sitting on your potty "Mama, when are you going to die?" and believe me, all I want is to be with you here as long as I possibly can - I answered as best I could all the while thinking, please God, let us be together here as long as we can... there's been enough loss, I don't care how great it will be to reunite with the others lost to us...please let me stay, let her stay...

I love how you talk about me having another baby -and I never brought this idea up with you, you volunteered this idea way back in the summer - "Mama, you'll have another baby someday." You've mentioned this idea a lot -it surprises me every time. It is always so sweet. You've named him (yep, you also seemed to think it would be a boy). You told me how you wanted to buy clothes for the baby (while we were getting things for your baby cousins on-the-way).

You asked the other day if another baby I had would not die - you saw me hesitate and then you qualified your question as if to let me know just how much you understand, "I mean if the baby is healthy and not sick," you said.

I love your love of nature. Collecting acorns, sticks, pine cones, anything and everything - of playing in water wherever you can - in puddles, in the Arboretum stream, and in buckets in the backyard. I love how you collect flowers where ever you can - weeds in our lawn or blossoms on the floor of a nursery (how serious you take it too - once you spy one you have to get it, to "save" it, to rescue it). And how you collected one the other day, at the nursery, and told me it was to remember Gwenyth. Then at the check-out you set the flower up on the counter and said, "this one is to remember our baby."

I love how you decided that fairies don't die during our conversation the other day that somehow was about the fact that everything alive dies - I can't remember what you asked that started it all, but you quizzed me on many creatures and then tossed out "do fairies die." I explained if they were real, then yes, they too would die. But you told me that you think think they don't. In fact, anything you come up with in your imaginary world doesn't die and lives forever and ever.

I love how you talk about your little boy and sometimes even your little girl. Your little girl always seems to grow up - but your little boy is always a little boy every time you speak of him. His name is Brighton - "because the sun shines on him" you said. Sometimes you even talk about your pretend daddy and mommy - wish I had written some of that down - my brain leaks and forgets no matter how adorable and hilarious and sweet the things you say are.

I love all your paintings and drawings - you seem to cover every subject. Today however you really surprised me - you drew a man on a cliff. Then next to it was a door, you explained. He went down and then into the door. It struck me. You never drew anything like that before... there seem to be metaphors there. But who knows.

I love how your favorite colors are purple and pink, but the other day it was "Aqua Marine" even as I think you thought it was a pink color (earlier you had pointed to a pink flower and told me it was Aqua Marine and your favorite color). It is Gwen's birthstone so you have absorbed it in your vocabulary in any event - I was quite surprised to hear you speak of it the other day.

I remember way back when how you wanted to drive to heaven to go bring Gwen back, or go visit. Not long ago asked with excitement, as if you came up with an idea we had never thought of - you asked if we could video chat heaven.

I love how you drew a picture of flowers today and said "look the flowers have texture!" I love how you know how to make purple from red and blue paint. You are the daughter of a former Art teacher - that's my girl!

I also love seeing you with your daddy playing Minecraft and building "your world" - even if sometimes I hear you as things like "can we kill a pig and eat it Daddy?" I love seeing you play on the ipad - you know how to use it better than I ever will. I love seeing you play the little-girl version of D & D with your daddy. It is adorable.

I love how you can recite parts of a story from your Ipod, the Cinderella Ballet told with music. You recite the words with the correct tone and intonation and then hum the music parts as well. I love how pretty much everything we read gets acted out at in your pretend play.

I love how you can put so much on your head while playing dress-up and just all the crazy outfits you concoct. You always know just what you want to do with each accessory and are determined to make it work.

I love how you decided you want to be an artist when you grow up - I didn't even know you knew what that was and you don't seem to change your mind. Tonight Daddy asked you if you want to learn how to use the computer so you can play "My World (minecraft) by yourself and you said, "No I want to be an artist when I grow up." Daddy then explained how in the past, artists would copy master works and then go paint their own ideas once they mastered the technique. You replied you like to paint your own ideas and that maybe you could look up about art on the computer.

I love the creativity you show when you play with Legos, magnet blocks, and regular blocks (thanks to the Funks for the magnet blocks, a gift way back when we were in Philly - they have been the top toy - I cannot believe how much she enjoys them). One of my favorites was when you made a Lego rainbow and then picked up a bunch of Legos and dropped them saying it was Lego rain.

I love how you told me your dream today - that you climbed up high into a tree and saw a birds nest. And then, you explained, "a bird sailed past me and it had a worm in it's mouth."

You think long and deep. I am impressed, often stunned, and sometimes downright lawyered by you!

You are a kid in every way and kids own a special existence - I'm privileged to be able to enjoy you in yours. Privileged (yes challenged sometimes too... sometimes I feel more like a servant... sometimes I find myself tested to the ends of my parenting "skills") but no matter what, I just love you so much!

Here are some conversations I did manage to record...they show just how sweet you are...:

Lil: "I'm soothing you. Because I think your sad"

Mommy: "Why do you think I"m sad?"

Lil: Your sad because Gwyneth is in Heaven. We're all sad. And sometimes we cry and sometimes we don't. And when you cry I sooth you. Do you remember the time we were with them all?"

----
One day you said:

"whose little girl is in heaven? (I really had no idea where you were going with this, I thought, oh dear, did she not understand all this time about Gwenyth...) and before I could think further you answered your question kinda with a happy tone, kinda with pride - "Our little girl is in heaven."

I replied, yes, she is...that's right. I think I may have said I miss her or something. And you said, with a sigh;

"Yea I wish I could show her my toys."
-----

I wish I could write everything down the moment you say it. But for now, this is a small collection of just a few of the things I love about my little girl, my little Lil.

I'll always laugh in the rain, thanks to you Lil, and have new appreciation for my umbrella.

---

I'll never, ever forget the way you looked at me, while at a rest stop, on the way down South, we were driving to Aunt Marie's service, the day after Gwen's service - I was changing your diaper and you looked into my eyes and asked me, completely out of the blue, "Mama, are we always together?"

All I can say is, that's all I want in the world...is always - to be with you. I love you so much, and my love for you I know, is always, always, forever and ever.

Here's my song for you tonite. You heard this playing several months back - I didn't even know you tuned in. But you were listening and you asked, "mama, what's this song about." I think I tried to distract you or something - I don't recall, I am pretty sure I just didn't want to answer that question that night - as you hadn't yet asked me about this kind of thing, so I didn't want to put ideas in your head...

But it's written by one of my very favorites, sung by another favorite - the only thing is they leave out this line in the cover version, so I'll end with it;

"Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabyes go on and on, they never die, that's how you and I will be."

Lullabye (Goodnight my Angel)

Original Version - which I think I still like best.


----

Remembering Lil's sweetness in Philly

I'm trying to figure out how to get videos to work on my children's blogs. It's been epic failure and I'm frustrated because they work and then they dont'. I have way more to catch up on with Lil, here....but for now, let's see if I can get one video up. This "video" is me throwing together some photo's in Picasa to see if I can learn how to  make some slidewhows -and rushing because I shouldn't be doing this now):

After dinner requests

"Mom, Dad, can I watch a little of the Cake Boss?"

Friendly Food, Happy Cooking

...Typing fast here...no time...but, I'm cooking and just had to get this down while it's fresh.

Lil made friends with the rutabaga I'm cutting up for dinner. She told it to watch out for the potato queen. The sweet potato also was warned. The potato queen doesn't like it when people shout across the room. "She will shoot them with her gun," they were each told. But, the potato queen won't hurt them it's a pretend gun. (And yes, I'm doing the vegetable voices.)

Veggie Tales, eat your heart out.

The sweet potato is being shown the family room right now... Lil is telling it about a movie called, "The Princess and the Feast." Lil is acting out the movie now and the sweet potato's role is the little, friend-mouse.

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Sometimes I worry that she won't ever join the real world. But then I think - good for her. It's really not fun here.

I'm going to go cook our friends now (don't worry, they are excited to go into the warm oven and be eaten - that's what they were made for - I'm their voices don't forget, so that helps me - because I'm not about to change the menu, so my contribution is to make them willing participants... so yes, the conversation went, "Rutabaga you're being peeled. Rutabaga you're being cut up into pieces. Rutabaga, you're going to be cooked..." to which the root vegetable replied "I love being peeled. It's great being cut up...look how many pieces I'm in. I feel a bit scattered...ha ha ha.. I can't wait to go into the oven, it looks so warm").

:) Thank heavens for little girls. Thank heavens for a little one named Lillian.

p.s. She went deep into the story of "Princess and the Feast" -narrating and playing while I was typing. As I'm really about to head back to the kitchen she is currently humming and dancing, waltzing around, with her life-size gingerbread paper-man she made at pre-school.

Good moments. Soaking it in. Loving it :)

December 2009, Grammy and Papa's House.

Going through the archives from our old videos. Because we all need a laugh.

And, just to note, while I'm here we threw cotton balls again, to remember Gwen just now. You found one somehow, randomly, there was one on the floor here...and you tore it in pieces and said "let's throw snowballs to remember Gwenyth (this time the cotton balls were snow balls) "

I love how you always call her Gwenyth.

Right now you are "reading" to me from a Get Fuzzy comic book...it's awesome. I love my two girls. "And one day the cat when JUMP and Jumped up on to the boys back back and he screamed, he said AAAAAAAAAA!... One day the cat got into the boy's tomato sauce."

(Lot's more videos to come - I'm having some technical difficulties so this will have to do for now. It's not much, but it makes me laugh. )

OKAY - well really having problems. That video didn't even work. So, never mind. I hate computers. We'll try again another time.

Lillian watches cooking shows

Lil woke up this morning, and asked to watch TV.  Laura flipped on a cooking show.  Lillian said something like "I want to make our house look good."  Then she said, "I want to make my bedroom fancy".

Wow.  Just wow.

Lil - We Love You

...and we know you are grieving in your own way. We are so deeply sad for your losses.

We haven't posted all the wonderful and amazing and/or ridiculously cute things you say and do... we have a lot of catching up to do.

But your sweetness shines through the darkest night - from when you told us about the tiny pool in heaven, to the many times you've wiped my tears off my face all of your own volition, to the cupcake and flowers that you designated in memory of Gwen, to the story you asked me to tell last night about Aunt Marie taking you to the water park where she jumped off "top tower" with you (completely made up - a wonderful wishful-memory).

So, so many things you say and do - as you watch us cope through unbearable losses - and just so many things you say and do in regular life - we pray that we are caring for you well enough and are there for you as parents... during a time when we are pained by loss even as we are filled full with our rich love of you.

Tonight I had to blog this - for you are just too much!

You wandered into our room. You found Daddy there. You asked in your sweet little voice, "Daddy, why are you in here?"

"I"m a little bit sad," Daddy replied.

"Are you sad about Gwenyth?" you asked.

"Yes."

Sweetly you responded, "I'm sad about Gwenyth too."

Then, you inquired further, "Are you sad about Aunt Marie?"

"Yes," said Daddy.

You replied, "I'm sad about Aunt Marie too."

---
And, in perfect step with exactly where a almost three-year-old is, in this situation, where, the sadness, once so acknowledged, once addressed and confirmed, and your questions received satisfactory answers, you spied the i-pad and asked...

"Can I play little girl games?"
---


--
Your baby sister was almost two months old.
Your Aunt Marie just one month away from turning 20.
----

Every memory of you with each of them we hold tight and treasure.
You had some wonderful moments with these two...
---

Lil. You once had a little sister. With eyes that were blue and deep...

--

Your Aunt Marie had blond hair and blue eyes like you...and her laugh...
The the best laugh you've ever heard...










(practicing holding her nieces...)




(the last time you and your Aunt Marie were together....
a video Chat in Philly a couple weeks after Gwen was born.)

Bubbles!

One of Lillian's favorite things to do is "wash dishes."

I hear Aunt Marie loved to do the same at her job at Starbucks. Marie, apparently loved to make sure there were enough bubbles to bubble over and spread around to everyone (thank you Amanda, for sharing all the great Marie stories with me).

I can only imagine Marie must be smiling down on Lil, proudly.

Happy Fathers Day

Lillian. This is you and Daddy at Tate. A special place to your Daddy. We have a video of you and your Aunt Marie playing on this field with Lily Kate last June. I'll always have that playing in my head when we are there. Your Daddy is one part of an amazing family - and Tate is a place where we have so much fun together. I'm glad you have all your Aunts and Uncles!! I'm loving watching you grow up as a part of your daddy's family.

I love that your daddy has strong shoulders. He can carry you this way a lot longer than I can. And he loves dong it.

Daddy is all about having fun in the water. The first chance he had, when you were a baby, he ran you to the edge of the ocean and put your feet in the water. This was in El Salvador at your Uncle Bob and Aunt Nelly's wedding. You were three months old and we had just arrived to our hotel...the sun was just about gone and we were tired. But your Daddy made sure that day you got to touch the water.


He believes gaming can be good for children (there are many studies, he is quick to point out).


"Good" for you or not, spending time with Daddy is worth it's weight, so I look forward to many hours of watching you and your daddy game together.

No doubt, your Daddy is enthausatic when taking on a "role" - be it Daddy or Monster. You love to tell him, "you're being silly Daddy" - but I know you love that sillyness.

Because of your Daddy, I know you are going to be one tough cookie. He never thinks your "too little" for things like sledding down hill.

You'll be programming before I know it.



Daddy is the one who moved you beyond books into the tales of "Lavender and Marigold" that he started making up much to your delight. You now often direct the stoires, but the orginal idea and characters are all his. It is sweet.

Your Daddy, as I said, has an amazing family - they are all your Aunts and Uncles and Sauni (pronounced "Sunny"). This is your Aunt Marie who loved you so much. We miss her so much.



With Daddy around you'll learn to swim in no time.

Look at your Daddy trying to impress you (you are in this photo wraped in a towl on my lap. I know you were smiling watching your crazy Daddy.)

Oh, The Love of a Daddy

So many people would tell us before Gwen was born that we were "chosen" to be her parents. It dawned on me in the last few weeks that I can see how that may have been true, because of who her father is. If she really only was going to be here for two months - then she she was given to a daddy who bonded and loved her from the get go. Newborns, lets face it, are all about their mommy, especially if they are nursing. If their Daddy wants to watch from a safe distance until they grow a little stronger, smile and begin to be more personable and interested in the rest of the world they wouldn't know the difference. Myers, he's not that kind of daddy. He jumps in with both feet, newborn on up.

He changed more diapers than me while she was in the hospital. I made him be the one to practice placing the "yellow pipe" to her tummy and he stepped up to the plate with no complaint. He is the reason she finally took to nursing. Myers pushed me to keep trying when I was discouraged enough to think all efforts a waste. He is totally comfortable holding little babies and held her and talked to her as if she new what he was saying. He even insisted that he could hold her the first part of the night until she woke to nurse (she slept on top of me every night.) He was 100% involved and in love with Gwenyth, bonded and in love. She had many, many sweet "daddy moments." I miss those Gwen and Daddy moments.

Myers loved his Gwenyth Gumdrop, it was a sight to see, and he blesses us all with the "type" of Daddy he is; I'm grateful that Gwen had him.

Observations

After I explained that you don't want to put your feet on your snack cup because of germs, you asked to see them.  I told you we needed a microscope to see them.  You asked where we could get one, I told you a scientist would have one.  You ask "Is a scientist a store?"

Later you said "Are germs pets?"

Lillian and the Tree

Lillian played with some organically shaped wood blocks. One looked like a tree trunk and the other piece was sort of an oval cut-out shape. She held the two pieces together, the oval on top of the "trunk". She said it was a tree with green leaves. Then she said the tree got old. Very slowly she lowered the tree. Then she open her hands and say the tree fell down. Then she'd pick it back up and say something about it being okay and having green leaves and repeat the "game" or the story, again and again.

We struggled with how to tell her about Marie. It hadn't been as immediate a concern since Lil didn't see Marie on a daily basis. Part of me just didn't ever want to tell her and hoped she never notice that she hadn't see Marie in a while. But, later that day she pointed to a picture and said "that's Aunt Becca, and that's Aunt Marie." I realized that we had to tell her sooner than later. Not that she would ask, but that I do know she's heard us talking and I she knows who Marie is, it is better that she knows. I just didn't know how or when.

Finally, late last night, when she had joined the adults because she wouldn't settle - she wanted to be in our bed, but we weren't going to bed yet. We felt she was feeling a bit insecure and needed to be with us. So we let her come join it - it was late, but it was okay. A moment of sadness overtook Myers and he bent his head and with his hand in his face he cried. Lil was near, and in her sweet voice, as she had done earlier that day when this had also occurred she said are you sad Daddy? I realized that this was it - I wanted her to know it wasn't just our Gwen. I said, yes, he was sad and it is because we miss someone, we are missing Marie because she went to heaven and we won't see her again for a long, long time. Lillian said, "was she old?"

Myers puzzled it together - they were in a forest and saw a tree that had fallen down. Myers actually struggled with whether or not to use the word "dead" when he told her why it was lying down. But he did - what else do you say and really, she's two. Dead is just a new word to her. And how beguine and uncomplicated a dead tree now seems. There is no emotion involved and it won't be missed like a person. But, now we see how beautiful a teaching moment that was and how sharp a two-and a half year old can be. She is processing everything and I'm so glad that she has something to help her grip the concept in her own way.

My favorite part is that she puts the tree back up again.

Your Aunt Marie. She loved you.

She and your sister have a special connection.

Lillian, we love you so much.

We have many stories to tell you abut you baby sister, Gwenyth.

You told us that God has a tiny pool for her in hevean, and you made us smile.

We have many stories to tell you about your Aunt Marie.

They were a special part of your life.

You didn't know them long enough to miss them. We are sad in that.